Phoenix Suffers Internet Porn Withdrawal

PHOENIX,AZ – An internet outage caused widespread panic with those looking to satiate their libidos. It’s no secret that the majority of internet traffic is used to both satiate unfulfilled desires and quote “tear off a quick one”. Some bus drivers walked off the job part way through their route claiming his patrons were “…squirming in their seats, some blowing me kisses, and creeping me out, I had enough, I draw the line there”. Police calls for domestic violence rose along with a perceived testosterone level. The Chief of Police instituted a temporary colored orb threat level with white being all clear, and blue being the greatest. Reports of animal cruelty were widespread as supermarkets ran out of cucumbers, zucchini, melons and fresh whole fish. One teen checked into a hospital emergency claiming ” ,I was told my nuts would explode if I didn’t take care of it…”. Unfortunately hand jobs were not covered on his insurance plan. Small random fires were serviced before they became a hazard with fire crews spending far more time in door to door victim searches than responding to emergencies. The Chief of Police was busy preparing a contingency plan to bring in the National Guard with a flock of sheep when some internet connectivity was restored. While most emergency rooms are filled to capacity citywide, most people are being dismissed with a prescription for a laxative and some KY jelly after x-rays revealed strange objects lodged in their orifices. City clean up crews will be outfitted with special squeegees in order to better service soiled surfaces. We will continue to follow this story as events unfold.

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