Arkham, MA— Ruth Colloway is an average American citizen. She has a job, two children, pays her taxes and like most of us, makes extensive use of her cellphone. Recently, she was taken in by an unsolicited call which changed her life. “She just hasn”t been the same” says her husband Jack. She was taken in by an incorporeal corporate spam campaign that has cost literally millions of people their time, money, minds and souls. Her family has joined in on a class action suit against their wireless provider.
The company, which shall remain nameless at this time (Due to the Dark Pact Clause of my wireless contract) defends it”s right to “Harvest the rich bounty of blood and souls” provided by their unwitting customers. “That the people move through their meaningless existence, ignorant of the Dreaming Gods, is no concern of ours” Says an inside source. “If people would bother to look through the contract, perhaps they might be aware of the possible repercussions of wireless media”.
At the heart of the controversy is a series of unsolicited texts and calls designed to “break free the minds of those who must serve as food and slaves in the days when the Ancients shall take their place as Supreme Rulers once again.” Some of these messages make dubious claims of painless demise or lives lived in bliss at the feet (or tentacles) of their beloved Masters. Many have claimed that since responding to the Call, their lives have been nothing but agony of mind and body and a state of perpetual wretchedness.
A local clergy member, who asked to remain anonymous spoke to me in hushed tones stating: ” The end is extremely nigh! Look around, children play with alien tech that causes their eyes to drizzle ichor and they encourage one another to have relations with hideous malformed beings to appease the Goat with a Thousand Young. Hold on. Someone just sent me a text. Oh, I have to take this call… Hello? Ia Ia Nyarlathotep!” After his call he refused to speak with me on the subject.
A hearing is scheduled next week in Washington DC where it is expected that the court of appeals will uphold wireless companies policy of reaving the spirits of the masses. No one at the FCC has been available for comment. When asked, local District Attorney Brad Dickshaw said: “This is a slippery issue. The ramifications of a precedent in such matters will be far reaching. I”m curious to see what happens in this case because it affects us all.”
When I visited Ruth to ask about the Call which has so changed her life, she had this to say: “Ph”nglui mglw”nafh Cthulhu R”lyeh wgah”nagl fhtagn, Ia! Ia! Cthulhu!!!”