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Pizza Drivers Lobby for Delivery Decency Act

pizza152x124WASHINGTON DC — The nations bright eyed, bushy tailed delivery youth have seen their fair share of shock and awe to put an Iraqi veteran to shame; and they’ve finally had enough. In a bold move, the nations delivery drivers have sought support from the teamster and truck driver unions for a shred of decency. With pizza delivery drivers leading the way, drivers have seen their fair share of traumatic nudity including, fat men in thongs, fat women in thongs, breasts that sag below belly buttons, talking leather bags, leather queens, feather scenes, inter-species erotica and all of the above in a gimp mask. Employers have chosen to take a neutral stance on the subject citing the high amount of turn over and missed time due to post traumatic stress disorder, therapy, irrational fears of approaching closed doors and severe sexual dysfunction. While the group seeks to make it at least a misdemeanor to reveal yourself to a delivery driver not suited to community standards, lobbyist lawyers warn, seeking stiffer punishments, such as felonies, based on weight and age may find roadblocks with anti-discrimination groups. In rallies conducted nationwide, drivers and teamsters chanted their cause citing, “No Shirt, No Pants, No Way, No Service!”.

Phoenix Suffers Internet Porn Withdrawal

PHOENIX,AZ – An internet outage caused widespread panic with those looking to satiate their libidos. It’s no secret that the majority of internet traffic is used to both satiate unfulfilled desires and quote “tear off a quick one”. Some bus drivers walked off the job part way through their route claiming his patrons were “…squirming in their seats, some blowing me kisses, and creeping me out, I had enough, I draw the line there”. Police calls for domestic violence rose along with a perceived testosterone level. The Chief of Police instituted a temporary colored orb threat level with white being all clear, and blue being the greatest. Reports of animal cruelty were widespread as supermarkets ran out of cucumbers, zucchini, melons and fresh whole fish. One teen checked into a hospital emergency claiming ” ,I was told my nuts would explode if I didn’t take care of it…”. Unfortunately hand jobs were not covered on his insurance plan. Small random fires were serviced before they became a hazard with fire crews spending far more time in door to door victim searches than responding to emergencies. The Chief of Police was busy preparing a contingency plan to bring in the National Guard with a flock of sheep when some internet connectivity was restored. While most emergency rooms are filled to capacity citywide, most people are being dismissed with a prescription for a laxative and some KY jelly after x-rays revealed strange objects lodged in their orifices. City clean up crews will be outfitted with special squeegees in order to better service soiled surfaces. We will continue to follow this story as events unfold.

Commentary: Everybody Loves a Slut (At least Once…)

In our common parlance, the word “slut” is considered a bad thing. I find this an egregious error on the part of any thinking person. Why are so many people adverse to a lusty woman pursuing gratification? It”s been my experience that many men, young and old alike, would never get their uh… Feet wet, if it weren’t for the ministrations of such lovely ladies. Sure, it”s usually a short lived thing (Especially if you”re terrible in bed and then all such pairing will be one time affairs anyway) but it”s still wonderful. True love for at least one evening…

Time and again, I hear the dissenting voices of people, who nobody wants to have relations with anyway, utter despicable words about such loving ladies. I say no more! Bring on the desirable and desirous women of the world! Let they who have not been granted such attention question why they are old, alone and most likely, virgins.

Who among us has not at least admired such displays of wanton behavior from afar? Who can honestly say that the rather passionate activities of beautiful women can possibly be a bad thing? A look at many popular songs through the ages, will readily show that the virtues of such vice are extolled. Green Sleeves is the oldest piece of music with musical notation and it is about a camp follower (Kind of a soldiers” groupie). “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before”, anyone? Lechery isn’t so bad but is only made possible through the efforts of those who make scratching that particular itch an avocation.

Perhaps, some folks should take a look at themselves and wonder why they”re not getting any of the love that the rest of us happy people are, instead of judging those who might gladly help them with their problematic libidos. Gentlemen, why don”t you get away from the computer screen, stop gumming up the keyboard and go out there and touch someone who isn”t inflatable! Oh and ladies, if you”re worried that your special someone has succumbed to someone”s charms, then ask yourself what it is you”re not doing and do it!

So, to all the girls I”ve loved before, who’ve traveled in and out my door, I”m glad you came along!