Archive for lulzifer

Struggle

Without Strife, No One Would Strive!— Her Most Bountifulness ERIS

Are you tired of struggling? Do the trials of life weigh you down? Bummer…

If you’re still struggling, it means you’re probably still playing the game. At any time (Possibly/Hopefully as you read this) you might get pulled off the Playground for a time-out! Sure things are tough all over. Why shouldn’t they be? Then again, why should they be?

So what’s got your panties in a wad that makes things no fun? Do you think it’s money, poly-tricks, some kind of illusory attachment to your “significant other“? Check it out kids: The only thing that”s bothering you, is YOU! Don’t ask me, it’s not my problem…

Consider the athlete who doesn’t do his/her thing. Soon enough, it’s no longer their thing and I suppose that makes for them not being that thing that they considered themselves (and probably a bit flabbier). A wanker who doesn’t wank is kind of sad, huh? Get it?

Good!

Stop taking your “troubles” as a reason to make yourself unhappy and just keep on keeping on. Or, at least don’t play with me. I’ve got some striving to do in the sandbox. Mom could be calling me any time and I’m having fun, even when it doesn’t SEEM like it (Sand in my nether spaces but I can’t worry about that now because worrying sucks). Granted, maybe you are too. So, yeah… This is meaningless and true and perhaps a bit false and meaningless but (un)certainly true and false with a smidge of meaninglessness.

Commentary: Everybody Loves a Slut (At least Once…)

In our common parlance, the word “slut” is considered a bad thing. I find this an egregious error on the part of any thinking person. Why are so many people adverse to a lusty woman pursuing gratification? It”s been my experience that many men, young and old alike, would never get their uh… Feet wet, if it weren’t for the ministrations of such lovely ladies. Sure, it”s usually a short lived thing (Especially if you”re terrible in bed and then all such pairing will be one time affairs anyway) but it”s still wonderful. True love for at least one evening…

Time and again, I hear the dissenting voices of people, who nobody wants to have relations with anyway, utter despicable words about such loving ladies. I say no more! Bring on the desirable and desirous women of the world! Let they who have not been granted such attention question why they are old, alone and most likely, virgins.

Who among us has not at least admired such displays of wanton behavior from afar? Who can honestly say that the rather passionate activities of beautiful women can possibly be a bad thing? A look at many popular songs through the ages, will readily show that the virtues of such vice are extolled. Green Sleeves is the oldest piece of music with musical notation and it is about a camp follower (Kind of a soldiers” groupie). “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before”, anyone? Lechery isn’t so bad but is only made possible through the efforts of those who make scratching that particular itch an avocation.

Perhaps, some folks should take a look at themselves and wonder why they”re not getting any of the love that the rest of us happy people are, instead of judging those who might gladly help them with their problematic libidos. Gentlemen, why don”t you get away from the computer screen, stop gumming up the keyboard and go out there and touch someone who isn”t inflatable! Oh and ladies, if you”re worried that your special someone has succumbed to someone”s charms, then ask yourself what it is you”re not doing and do it!

So, to all the girls I”ve loved before, who’ve traveled in and out my door, I”m glad you came along!

Former Hogwarts Headmaster Indicted For Showing Students His “Wand”

Ministry of Magic— Shocking events at Howart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry have recently come to light, as multiple claims of improper student/professor relationships are exposed. Former Headmaster Severus Snape has been brought up on charges of seducing students at this prestigious academy. Many say that he used a lighter form of the “Imperius” Curse to have his way with those who caught his fancy. Snape’s portrait vehemently denies these allegations.

For legal reasons, the names of students involved in this case can not be revealed. I can tell you that many who have come forward are well known in wizarding society. According to one young lady “He was an imposing figure, whom I greatly admired. I would have done anything to gain his approval. I was both frightened and excited of his personality.” Others had less glowing revues of the former headmaster. Many maintain that he used such charms as “Barry Whitus” and “Girl Excitus” to force his will upon the unsuspecting students.

“It”s difficult at best to prosecute this case.” Says lead prosecutor Finneas Lawliet.  “All we have left of him is the psychic imprint on his portrait at the school.” According to the Aurors who removed the painting, Snape was “Less than forthcoming about the allegations.” Throughout his interrogation, he was “very unpleasant” and continued to protest his innocence, even when presented with damning evidence.

Rumors of such goings on had long been circulated but no action was taken until several girls reclaimed repressed memories while taking a hypnosis course given by Dr. Barbara Bagby, also a former student at Hogwart’s. Dr. Bagby had this to say: “It doesn’t surprise me in the least that such things would come to light. He always had the air of menace and something much more sinister and perverse just below the surface.”

Surprisingly, some of his greatest detractors have stepped up in his defense. “Professor Snape was many things but a sexual deviant was not one of them.” Claims the present Headmistress, Minerva McGonagall. “I don”t believe it! Not one little bit!” Says Harry Potter. Most surprisingly of all is that Hermione Granger has stepped away from her usual post at the Department of Magical Law Enforcement in order to represent the accused. “It”s rubbish! Every young witch is taught to use the “Pedofilius Reportus” charm to counter such advances. What I would like to know, is how it is that no one spoke about this until years later; with no evidence of an Obliviate spell of any type. It’s a set-up and I intend to prove it.” She says.

When asked to comment on the whole affair, the portrait of the former professor said only “Stuff it!”

Stuff it indeed!

Originally printed in the Daily Prophet Friday 26, 2010