WASHINGTON DC — The nations bright eyed, bushy tailed delivery youth have seen their fair share of shock and awe to put an Iraqi veteran to shame; and they’ve finally had enough. In a bold move, the nations delivery drivers have sought support from the teamster and truck driver unions for a shred of decency. With pizza delivery drivers leading the way, drivers have seen their fair share of traumatic nudity including, fat men in thongs, fat women in thongs, breasts that sag below belly buttons, talking leather bags, leather queens, feather scenes, inter-species erotica and all of the above in a gimp mask. Employers have chosen to take a neutral stance on the subject citing the high amount of turn over and missed time due to post traumatic stress disorder, therapy, irrational fears of approaching closed doors and severe sexual dysfunction. While the group seeks to make it at least a misdemeanor to reveal yourself to a delivery driver not suited to community standards, lobbyist lawyers warn, seeking stiffer punishments, such as felonies, based on weight and age may find roadblocks with anti-discrimination groups. In rallies conducted nationwide, drivers and teamsters chanted their cause citing, “No Shirt, No Pants, No Way, No Service!”.
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PHOENIX,AZ – An internet outage caused widespread panic with those looking to satiate their libidos. It’s no secret that the majority of internet traffic is used to both satiate unfulfilled desires and quote “tear off a quick one”. Some bus drivers walked off the job part way through their route claiming his patrons were “…squirming in their seats, some blowing me kisses, and creeping me out, I had enough, I draw the line there”. Police calls for domestic violence rose along with a perceived testosterone level. The Chief of Police instituted a temporary colored orb threat level with white being all clear, and blue being the greatest. Reports of animal cruelty were widespread as supermarkets ran out of cucumbers, zucchini, melons and fresh whole fish. One teen checked into a hospital emergency claiming ” ,I was told my nuts would explode if I didn’t take care of it…”. Unfortunately hand jobs were not covered on his insurance plan. Small random fires were serviced before they became a hazard with fire crews spending far more time in door to door victim searches than responding to emergencies. The Chief of Police was busy preparing a contingency plan to bring in the National Guard with a flock of sheep when some internet connectivity was restored. While most emergency rooms are filled to capacity citywide, most people are being dismissed with a prescription for a laxative and some KY jelly after x-rays revealed strange objects lodged in their orifices. City clean up crews will be outfitted with special squeegees in order to better service soiled surfaces. We will continue to follow this story as events unfold.
ETHIOPIA — In a twist of double irony, the First International Conference on Childhood Obesity will be held in the once famine and drought stricken country of Ethiopia, and catered by the snack food giant Hostess. Such creamy filled snack goodness were previously unavailable in the country as the drought stricken nation was forced to export all of it’s natural resources in exchange for basic aid. The aid came in the form of rice and comic books, as one local attendee noted, “As a child I remember wen de trucks of rice came. We were given a bowl of cooked rice and a comic book of Batman saving de hostages and cupcakes. I never seen a cupcake in my life and dey give us fookin rice. even de rice truck drivers were eating cupcakes. wud da shit man.”
The conference opened with the snack table drawing attention with a full spread of Twinkies, CupCakes, Chocodiles, Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, Suzy Q’s, Sno Balls, Zingers, Donettes, Mini Muffins, Hostess Fruit Pies, Pudding Pies, and Doughnuts…
NOTE: Snack intermission. Feel free to take this moment to partake in our chocolaty creamy filled goodness.
As the conference progressed many patrons were repeatedly asked to take their seats and keep quiet with at least one corner timeout called for the entire session. Scuffles broke out at the snack table as the last box of Ho Hos were distributed. The violence escalated as the conference was quickly stirred into a frenzied riot that took to the streets chanting repeatedly “I know the most annoying song, annoying song, annoying song, I know the most annoying song and this is how it goes“. One overturned Hostess truck was set on fire and a driver of another truck was taken hostage. The U.S. State Department had contacted the hostage takers for a list of demands and negotiations. However, the kidnappers, known only as Renton, Allison and Begbie, demanded a Hostess representative for negotiation as “…they are they only ones who could possibly understand us…”. In an attempt to break the will of the kidnappers, the movie Trainspotting was played on a fucking big television and blasted over loudspeakers repeatedly. The standoff ended just 4 hours later as the hostage takers began to pass out one by one due to unknown circumstances. 5 diabetics were hospitalized, however, nobody else was hurt during the incident.