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Commentary: Everybody Loves a Slut (At least Once…)

In our common parlance, the word “slut” is considered a bad thing. I find this an egregious error on the part of any thinking person. Why are so many people adverse to a lusty woman pursuing gratification? It”s been my experience that many men, young and old alike, would never get their uh… Feet wet, if it weren’t for the ministrations of such lovely ladies. Sure, it”s usually a short lived thing (Especially if you”re terrible in bed and then all such pairing will be one time affairs anyway) but it”s still wonderful. True love for at least one evening…

Time and again, I hear the dissenting voices of people, who nobody wants to have relations with anyway, utter despicable words about such loving ladies. I say no more! Bring on the desirable and desirous women of the world! Let they who have not been granted such attention question why they are old, alone and most likely, virgins.

Who among us has not at least admired such displays of wanton behavior from afar? Who can honestly say that the rather passionate activities of beautiful women can possibly be a bad thing? A look at many popular songs through the ages, will readily show that the virtues of such vice are extolled. Green Sleeves is the oldest piece of music with musical notation and it is about a camp follower (Kind of a soldiers” groupie). “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before”, anyone? Lechery isn’t so bad but is only made possible through the efforts of those who make scratching that particular itch an avocation.

Perhaps, some folks should take a look at themselves and wonder why they”re not getting any of the love that the rest of us happy people are, instead of judging those who might gladly help them with their problematic libidos. Gentlemen, why don”t you get away from the computer screen, stop gumming up the keyboard and go out there and touch someone who isn”t inflatable! Oh and ladies, if you”re worried that your special someone has succumbed to someone”s charms, then ask yourself what it is you”re not doing and do it!

So, to all the girls I”ve loved before, who’ve traveled in and out my door, I”m glad you came along!

Phoenix Suffers Internet Porn Withdrawal

PHOENIX,AZ – An internet outage caused widespread panic with those looking to satiate their libidos. It’s no secret that the majority of internet traffic is used to both satiate unfulfilled desires and quote “tear off a quick one”. Some bus drivers walked off the job part way through their route claiming his patrons were “…squirming in their seats, some blowing me kisses, and creeping me out, I had enough, I draw the line there”. Police calls for domestic violence rose along with a perceived testosterone level. The Chief of Police instituted a temporary colored orb threat level with white being all clear, and blue being the greatest. Reports of animal cruelty were widespread as supermarkets ran out of cucumbers, zucchini, melons and fresh whole fish. One teen checked into a hospital emergency claiming ” ,I was told my nuts would explode if I didn’t take care of it…”. Unfortunately hand jobs were not covered on his insurance plan. Small random fires were serviced before they became a hazard with fire crews spending far more time in door to door victim searches than responding to emergencies. The Chief of Police was busy preparing a contingency plan to bring in the National Guard with a flock of sheep when some internet connectivity was restored. While most emergency rooms are filled to capacity citywide, most people are being dismissed with a prescription for a laxative and some KY jelly after x-rays revealed strange objects lodged in their orifices. City clean up crews will be outfitted with special squeegees in order to better service soiled surfaces. We will continue to follow this story as events unfold.

Pizza Drivers Lobby for Delivery Decency Act

pizza152x124WASHINGTON DC — The nations bright eyed, bushy tailed delivery youth have seen their fair share of shock and awe to put an Iraqi veteran to shame; and they’ve finally had enough. In a bold move, the nations delivery drivers have sought support from the teamster and truck driver unions for a shred of decency. With pizza delivery drivers leading the way, drivers have seen their fair share of traumatic nudity including, fat men in thongs, fat women in thongs, breasts that sag below belly buttons, talking leather bags, leather queens, feather scenes, inter-species erotica and all of the above in a gimp mask. Employers have chosen to take a neutral stance on the subject citing the high amount of turn over and missed time due to post traumatic stress disorder, therapy, irrational fears of approaching closed doors and severe sexual dysfunction. While the group seeks to make it at least a misdemeanor to reveal yourself to a delivery driver not suited to community standards, lobbyist lawyers warn, seeking stiffer punishments, such as felonies, based on weight and age may find roadblocks with anti-discrimination groups. In rallies conducted nationwide, drivers and teamsters chanted their cause citing, “No Shirt, No Pants, No Way, No Service!”.

Pitbull Mauled By Vicious Toddler

Sikkim NJ— Experts are urging caution around toddlers after today”s tragic events. Muffy, a much beloved family pet, was rushed to an urgent care unit after sustaining multiple lacerations about the face and neck earlier this morning.  3 year old Petey was taken to a child pound, pending a hearing which his will determine his fate. “Unfortunately, we have seen a dramatic rise in toddler attacks over the past few years.” Says veterinarian Chuck Connine.

Eye witnesses to the incident claim that the pooch had repeatedly taunted the boy over the course of a couple of weeks. Still, no one expected the savage assault. According to the boy”s mother, Mrs. Penny Houndless: “Petey has always been such a docile child. I just can”t believe this happened!”

The issue of toddler attacks has stirred up public outcry across the nation. There will be a rally at 7pm tonight on the steps of city hall. Many have voiced concerns over the lax enforcement of child leash laws. “If folks would just keep their kids on leashes, people would feel safe to go to parks. I live in constant fear of children running loose in my neighborhood.” Says Foxxy Vulvine, a major proponent of more stringent leash laws.

Child breeder Mark Zygotian had this to say: “The odds of being bitten by a toddler are relatively low. Most are lovable and fun members of their household. It really comes down to the parents and how they rear the children. I have seen an alarming surge in inbreeding by unlicensed breeders and this often leads to many health and mental defects. It”s a shame that a few irresponsible child kennel owners have caused so much damage to a great tradition of child rearing.” He readily agrees that strict enforcement of leash laws will greatly reduce the risk of incidents like this.

Hostess to Cater First International Conference on Childhood Obesity

ETHIOPIA — In a twist of double irony, the First International Conference on Childhood Obesity will be held in the once famine and drought stricken country of Ethiopia, and catered by the snack food giant Hostess. Such creamy filled snack goodness were previously unavailable in the country as the drought stricken nation was forced to export all of it’s natural resources in exchange for basic aid. The aid came in the form of rice and comic books, as one local attendee noted, “As a child I remember wen de trucks of rice came. We were given a bowl of cooked rice and a comic book of Batman saving de hostages and cupcakes. I never seen a cupcake in my life and dey give us fookin rice. even de rice truck drivers were eating cupcakes. wud da shit man.”

The conference opened with the snack table drawing attention with a full spread of Twinkies, CupCakes, Chocodiles, Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, Suzy Q’s, Sno Balls, Zingers, Donettes, Mini Muffins, Hostess Fruit Pies, Pudding Pies, and Doughnuts…

NOTE: Snack intermission. Feel free to take this moment to partake in our chocolaty creamy filled goodness.

As the conference progressed many patrons were repeatedly asked to take their seats and keep quiet with at least one corner timeout called for the entire session. Scuffles broke out at the snack table as the last box of Ho Hos were distributed. The violence escalated as the conference was quickly stirred into a frenzied riot that took to the streets chanting repeatedly “I know the most annoying song, annoying song, annoying song, I know the most annoying song and this is how it goes“. One overturned Hostess truck was set on fire and a driver of another truck was taken hostage. The U.S. State Department had contacted the hostage takers for a list of demands and negotiations. However, the kidnappers, known only as Renton, Allison and Begbie, demanded a Hostess representative for negotiation as “…they are they only ones who could possibly understand us…”. In an attempt to break the will of the kidnappers, the movie Trainspotting was played on a fucking big television and blasted over loudspeakers repeatedly. The standoff ended just 4 hours later as the hostage takers began to pass out one by one due to unknown circumstances. 5 diabetics were hospitalized, however, nobody else was hurt during the incident.

Pizza Drivers Lobby for Delivery Decency Act

pizza152x124WASHINGTON DC — The nations bright eyed, bushy tailed delivery youth have seen their fair share of shock and awe to put an Iraqi veteran to shame; and they’ve finally had enough. In a bold move, the nations delivery drivers have sought support from the teamster and truck driver unions for a shred of decency. With pizza delivery drivers leading the way, drivers have seen their fair share of traumatic nudity including, fat men in thongs, fat women in thongs, breasts that sag below belly buttons, talking leather bags, leather queens, feather scenes, inter-species erotica and all of the above in a gimp mask. Employers have chosen to take a neutral stance on the subject citing the high amount of turn over and missed time due to post traumatic stress disorder, therapy, irrational fears of approaching closed doors and severe sexual dysfunction. While the group seeks to make it at least a misdemeanor to reveal yourself to a delivery driver not suited to community standards, lobbyist lawyers warn, seeking stiffer punishments, such as felonies, based on weight and age may find roadblocks with anti-discrimination groups. In rallies conducted nationwide, drivers and teamsters chanted their cause citing, “No Shirt, No Pants, No Way, No Service!”.

Phoenix Suffers Internet Porn Withdrawal

PHOENIX,AZ – An internet outage caused widespread panic with those looking to satiate their libidos. It’s no secret that the majority of internet traffic is used to both satiate unfulfilled desires and quote “tear off a quick one”. Some bus drivers walked off the job part way through their route claiming his patrons were “…squirming in their seats, some blowing me kisses, and creeping me out, I had enough, I draw the line there”. Police calls for domestic violence rose along with a perceived testosterone level. The Chief of Police instituted a temporary colored orb threat level with white being all clear, and blue being the greatest. Reports of animal cruelty were widespread as supermarkets ran out of cucumbers, zucchini, melons and fresh whole fish. One teen checked into a hospital emergency claiming ” ,I was told my nuts would explode if I didn’t take care of it…”. Unfortunately hand jobs were not covered on his insurance plan. Small random fires were serviced before they became a hazard with fire crews spending far more time in door to door victim searches than responding to emergencies. The Chief of Police was busy preparing a contingency plan to bring in the National Guard with a flock of sheep when some internet connectivity was restored. While most emergency rooms are filled to capacity citywide, most people are being dismissed with a prescription for a laxative and some KY jelly after x-rays revealed strange objects lodged in their orifices. City clean up crews will be outfitted with special squeegees in order to better service soiled surfaces. We will continue to follow this story as events unfold.

Struggle

Without Strife, No One Would Strive!— Her Most Bountifulness ERIS

Are you tired of struggling? Do the trials of life weigh you down? Bummer…

If you’re still struggling, it means you’re probably still playing the game. At any time (Possibly/Hopefully as you read this) you might get pulled off the Playground for a time-out! Sure things are tough all over. Why shouldn’t they be? Then again, why should they be?

So what’s got your panties in a wad that makes things no fun? Do you think it’s money, poly-tricks, some kind of illusory attachment to your “significant other“? Check it out kids: The only thing that”s bothering you, is YOU! Don’t ask me, it’s not my problem…

Consider the athlete who doesn’t do his/her thing. Soon enough, it’s no longer their thing and I suppose that makes for them not being that thing that they considered themselves (and probably a bit flabbier). A wanker who doesn’t wank is kind of sad, huh? Get it?

Good!

Stop taking your “troubles” as a reason to make yourself unhappy and just keep on keeping on. Or, at least don’t play with me. I’ve got some striving to do in the sandbox. Mom could be calling me any time and I’m having fun, even when it doesn’t SEEM like it (Sand in my nether spaces but I can’t worry about that now because worrying sucks). Granted, maybe you are too. So, yeah… This is meaningless and true and perhaps a bit false and meaningless but (un)certainly true and false with a smidge of meaninglessness.