Archive for January 2011

Phoenix Suffers Internet Porn Withdrawal

PHOENIX,AZ – An internet outage caused widespread panic with those looking to satiate their libidos. It’s no secret that the majority of internet traffic is used to both satiate unfulfilled desires and quote “tear off a quick one”. Some bus drivers walked off the job part way through their route claiming his patrons were “…squirming in their seats, some blowing me kisses, and creeping me out, I had enough, I draw the line there”. Police calls for domestic violence rose along with a perceived testosterone level. The Chief of Police instituted a temporary colored orb threat level with white being all clear, and blue being the greatest. Reports of animal cruelty were widespread as supermarkets ran out of cucumbers, zucchini, melons and fresh whole fish. One teen checked into a hospital emergency claiming ” ,I was told my nuts would explode if I didn’t take care of it…”. Unfortunately hand jobs were not covered on his insurance plan. Small random fires were serviced before they became a hazard with fire crews spending far more time in door to door victim searches than responding to emergencies. The Chief of Police was busy preparing a contingency plan to bring in the National Guard with a flock of sheep when some internet connectivity was restored. While most emergency rooms are filled to capacity citywide, most people are being dismissed with a prescription for a laxative and some KY jelly after x-rays revealed strange objects lodged in their orifices. City clean up crews will be outfitted with special squeegees in order to better service soiled surfaces. We will continue to follow this story as events unfold.

Struggle

Without Strife, No One Would Strive!— Her Most Bountifulness ERIS

Are you tired of struggling? Do the trials of life weigh you down? Bummer…

If you’re still struggling, it means you’re probably still playing the game. At any time (Possibly/Hopefully as you read this) you might get pulled off the Playground for a time-out! Sure things are tough all over. Why shouldn’t they be? Then again, why should they be?

So what’s got your panties in a wad that makes things no fun? Do you think it’s money, poly-tricks, some kind of illusory attachment to your “significant other“? Check it out kids: The only thing that”s bothering you, is YOU! Don’t ask me, it’s not my problem…

Consider the athlete who doesn’t do his/her thing. Soon enough, it’s no longer their thing and I suppose that makes for them not being that thing that they considered themselves (and probably a bit flabbier). A wanker who doesn’t wank is kind of sad, huh? Get it?

Good!

Stop taking your “troubles” as a reason to make yourself unhappy and just keep on keeping on. Or, at least don’t play with me. I’ve got some striving to do in the sandbox. Mom could be calling me any time and I’m having fun, even when it doesn’t SEEM like it (Sand in my nether spaces but I can’t worry about that now because worrying sucks). Granted, maybe you are too. So, yeah… This is meaningless and true and perhaps a bit false and meaningless but (un)certainly true and false with a smidge of meaninglessness.

Commentary: Everybody Loves a Slut (At least Once…)

In our common parlance, the word “slut” is considered a bad thing. I find this an egregious error on the part of any thinking person. Why are so many people adverse to a lusty woman pursuing gratification? It”s been my experience that many men, young and old alike, would never get their uh… Feet wet, if it weren’t for the ministrations of such lovely ladies. Sure, it”s usually a short lived thing (Especially if you”re terrible in bed and then all such pairing will be one time affairs anyway) but it”s still wonderful. True love for at least one evening…

Time and again, I hear the dissenting voices of people, who nobody wants to have relations with anyway, utter despicable words about such loving ladies. I say no more! Bring on the desirable and desirous women of the world! Let they who have not been granted such attention question why they are old, alone and most likely, virgins.

Who among us has not at least admired such displays of wanton behavior from afar? Who can honestly say that the rather passionate activities of beautiful women can possibly be a bad thing? A look at many popular songs through the ages, will readily show that the virtues of such vice are extolled. Green Sleeves is the oldest piece of music with musical notation and it is about a camp follower (Kind of a soldiers” groupie). “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before”, anyone? Lechery isn’t so bad but is only made possible through the efforts of those who make scratching that particular itch an avocation.

Perhaps, some folks should take a look at themselves and wonder why they”re not getting any of the love that the rest of us happy people are, instead of judging those who might gladly help them with their problematic libidos. Gentlemen, why don”t you get away from the computer screen, stop gumming up the keyboard and go out there and touch someone who isn”t inflatable! Oh and ladies, if you”re worried that your special someone has succumbed to someone”s charms, then ask yourself what it is you”re not doing and do it!

So, to all the girls I”ve loved before, who’ve traveled in and out my door, I”m glad you came along!