ETHIOPIA — In a twist of double irony, the First International Conference on Childhood Obesity will be held in the once famine and drought stricken country of Ethiopia, and catered by the snack food giant Hostess. Such creamy filled snack goodness were previously unavailable in the country as the drought stricken nation was forced to export all of it’s natural resources in exchange for basic aid. The aid came in the form of rice and comic books, as one local attendee noted, “As a child I remember wen de trucks of rice came. We were given a bowl of cooked rice and a comic book of Batman saving de hostages and cupcakes. I never seen a cupcake in my life and dey give us fookin rice. even de rice truck drivers were eating cupcakes. wud da shit man.”
The conference opened with the snack table drawing attention with a full spread of Twinkies, CupCakes, Chocodiles, Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, Suzy Q’s, Sno Balls, Zingers, Donettes, Mini Muffins, Hostess Fruit Pies, Pudding Pies, and Doughnuts…
NOTE: Snack intermission. Feel free to take this moment to partake in our chocolaty creamy filled goodness.
As the conference progressed many patrons were repeatedly asked to take their seats and keep quiet with at least one corner timeout called for the entire session. Scuffles broke out at the snack table as the last box of Ho Hos were distributed. The violence escalated as the conference was quickly stirred into a frenzied riot that took to the streets chanting repeatedly “I know the most annoying song, annoying song, annoying song, I know the most annoying song and this is how it goes“. One overturned Hostess truck was set on fire and a driver of another truck was taken hostage. The U.S. State Department had contacted the hostage takers for a list of demands and negotiations. However, the kidnappers, known only as Renton, Allison and Begbie, demanded a Hostess representative for negotiation as “…they are they only ones who could possibly understand us…”. In an attempt to break the will of the kidnappers, the movie Trainspotting was played on a fucking big television and blasted over loudspeakers repeatedly. The standoff ended just 4 hours later as the hostage takers began to pass out one by one due to unknown circumstances. 5 diabetics were hospitalized, however, nobody else was hurt during the incident.