<< >>

Pitbull Mauled By Vicious Toddler

Sikkim NJ— Experts are urging caution around toddlers after today”s tragic events. Muffy, a much beloved family pet, was rushed to an urgent care unit after sustaining multiple lacerations about the face and neck earlier this morning.  3 year old Petey was taken to a child pound, pending a hearing which his will determine his fate. “Unfortunately, we have seen a dramatic rise in toddler attacks over the past few years.” Says veterinarian Chuck Connine.

Eye witnesses to the incident claim that the pooch had repeatedly taunted the boy over the course of a couple of weeks. Still, no one expected the savage assault. According to the boy”s mother, Mrs. Penny Houndless: “Petey has always been such a docile child. I just can”t believe this happened!”

The issue of toddler attacks has stirred up public outcry across the nation. There will be a rally at 7pm tonight on the steps of city hall. Many have voiced concerns over the lax enforcement of child leash laws. “If folks would just keep their kids on leashes, people would feel safe to go to parks. I live in constant fear of children running loose in my neighborhood.” Says Foxxy Vulvine, a major proponent of more stringent leash laws.

Child breeder Mark Zygotian had this to say: “The odds of being bitten by a toddler are relatively low. Most are lovable and fun members of their household. It really comes down to the parents and how they rear the children. I have seen an alarming surge in inbreeding by unlicensed breeders and this often leads to many health and mental defects. It”s a shame that a few irresponsible child kennel owners have caused so much damage to a great tradition of child rearing.” He readily agrees that strict enforcement of leash laws will greatly reduce the risk of incidents like this.

Hostess to Cater First International Conference on Childhood Obesity

ETHIOPIA — In a twist of double irony, the First International Conference on Childhood Obesity will be held in the once famine and drought stricken country of Ethiopia, and catered by the snack food giant Hostess. Such creamy filled snack goodness were previously unavailable in the country as the drought stricken nation was forced to export all of it’s natural resources in exchange for basic aid. The aid came in the form of rice and comic books, as one local attendee noted, “As a child I remember wen de trucks of rice came. We were given a bowl of cooked rice and a comic book of Batman saving de hostages and cupcakes. I never seen a cupcake in my life and dey give us fookin rice. even de rice truck drivers were eating cupcakes. wud da shit man.”

The conference opened with the snack table drawing attention with a full spread of Twinkies, CupCakes, Chocodiles, Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, Suzy Q’s, Sno Balls, Zingers, Donettes, Mini Muffins, Hostess Fruit Pies, Pudding Pies, and Doughnuts…

NOTE: Snack intermission. Feel free to take this moment to partake in our chocolaty creamy filled goodness.

As the conference progressed many patrons were repeatedly asked to take their seats and keep quiet with at least one corner timeout called for the entire session. Scuffles broke out at the snack table as the last box of Ho Hos were distributed. The violence escalated as the conference was quickly stirred into a frenzied riot that took to the streets chanting repeatedly “I know the most annoying song, annoying song, annoying song, I know the most annoying song and this is how it goes“. One overturned Hostess truck was set on fire and a driver of another truck was taken hostage. The U.S. State Department had contacted the hostage takers for a list of demands and negotiations. However, the kidnappers, known only as Renton, Allison and Begbie, demanded a Hostess representative for negotiation as “…they are they only ones who could possibly understand us…”. In an attempt to break the will of the kidnappers, the movie Trainspotting was played on a fucking big television and blasted over loudspeakers repeatedly. The standoff ended just 4 hours later as the hostage takers began to pass out one by one due to unknown circumstances. 5 diabetics were hospitalized, however, nobody else was hurt during the incident.

Major Communications Company Under Scrutiny After Woman Accepts Collect Call Of Cthulhu

Arkham, MA— Ruth Colloway is an average American citizen. She has a job, two children, pays her taxes and like most of us, makes extensive use of her cellphone. Recently, she was taken in by an unsolicited call which changed her life. “She just hasn”t been the same” says her husband Jack. She was taken in by an incorporeal corporate spam campaign that has cost literally millions of people their time, money, minds and souls. Her family has joined in on a class action suit against their wireless provider.

The company, which shall remain nameless at this time (Due to the Dark Pact Clause of my wireless contract) defends it”s right to “Harvest the rich bounty of blood and souls” provided by their unwitting customers. “That the people move through their meaningless existence, ignorant of the Dreaming Gods, is no concern of ours” Says an inside source. “If people would bother to look through the contract, perhaps they might be aware of the possible repercussions of wireless media”.

At the heart of the controversy is a series of unsolicited texts and calls designed to “break free the minds of those who must serve as food and slaves in the days when the Ancients shall take their place as Supreme Rulers once again.” Some of these messages make dubious claims of painless demise or lives lived in bliss at the feet (or tentacles) of their beloved Masters. Many have claimed that since responding to the Call, their lives have been nothing but agony of mind and body and a state of perpetual wretchedness.

A local clergy member, who asked to remain anonymous spoke to me in hushed tones stating: ” The end is extremely nigh! Look around, children play with alien tech that causes their eyes to drizzle ichor and they encourage one another to have relations with hideous malformed beings to appease the Goat with a Thousand Young. Hold on. Someone just sent me a text. Oh, I have to take this call… Hello? Ia Ia Nyarlathotep!” After his call he refused to speak with me on the subject.

A hearing is scheduled next week in Washington DC where it is expected that the court of appeals will uphold wireless companies policy of reaving the spirits of the masses. No one at the FCC has been available for comment. When asked, local District Attorney Brad Dickshaw said: “This is a slippery issue.  The ramifications of a precedent in such matters will be far reaching. I”m curious to see what happens in this case because it affects us all.”

When I visited Ruth to ask about the Call which has so changed her life, she had this to say: “Ph”nglui mglw”nafh Cthulhu R”lyeh wgah”nagl fhtagn, Ia! Ia! Cthulhu!!!”

Former Hogwarts Headmaster Indicted For Showing Students His “Wand”

Ministry of Magic— Shocking events at Howart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry have recently come to light, as multiple claims of improper student/professor relationships are exposed. Former Headmaster Severus Snape has been brought up on charges of seducing students at this prestigious academy. Many say that he used a lighter form of the “Imperius” Curse to have his way with those who caught his fancy. Snape’s portrait vehemently denies these allegations.

For legal reasons, the names of students involved in this case can not be revealed. I can tell you that many who have come forward are well known in wizarding society. According to one young lady “He was an imposing figure, whom I greatly admired. I would have done anything to gain his approval. I was both frightened and excited of his personality.” Others had less glowing revues of the former headmaster. Many maintain that he used such charms as “Barry Whitus” and “Girl Excitus” to force his will upon the unsuspecting students.

“It”s difficult at best to prosecute this case.” Says lead prosecutor Finneas Lawliet.  “All we have left of him is the psychic imprint on his portrait at the school.” According to the Aurors who removed the painting, Snape was “Less than forthcoming about the allegations.” Throughout his interrogation, he was “very unpleasant” and continued to protest his innocence, even when presented with damning evidence.

Rumors of such goings on had long been circulated but no action was taken until several girls reclaimed repressed memories while taking a hypnosis course given by Dr. Barbara Bagby, also a former student at Hogwart’s. Dr. Bagby had this to say: “It doesn’t surprise me in the least that such things would come to light. He always had the air of menace and something much more sinister and perverse just below the surface.”

Surprisingly, some of his greatest detractors have stepped up in his defense. “Professor Snape was many things but a sexual deviant was not one of them.” Claims the present Headmistress, Minerva McGonagall. “I don”t believe it! Not one little bit!” Says Harry Potter. Most surprisingly of all is that Hermione Granger has stepped away from her usual post at the Department of Magical Law Enforcement in order to represent the accused. “It”s rubbish! Every young witch is taught to use the “Pedofilius Reportus” charm to counter such advances. What I would like to know, is how it is that no one spoke about this until years later; with no evidence of an Obliviate spell of any type. It’s a set-up and I intend to prove it.” She says.

When asked to comment on the whole affair, the portrait of the former professor said only “Stuff it!”

Stuff it indeed!

Originally printed in the Daily Prophet Friday 26, 2010

Commentary: Everybody Loves a Slut (At least Once…)

In our common parlance, the word “slut” is considered a bad thing. I find this an egregious error on the part of any thinking person. Why are so many people adverse to a lusty woman pursuing gratification? It”s been my experience that many men, young and old alike, would never get their uh… Feet wet, if it weren’t for the ministrations of such lovely ladies. Sure, it”s usually a short lived thing (Especially if you”re terrible in bed and then all such pairing will be one time affairs anyway) but it”s still wonderful. True love for at least one evening…

Time and again, I hear the dissenting voices of people, who nobody wants to have relations with anyway, utter despicable words about such loving ladies. I say no more! Bring on the desirable and desirous women of the world! Let they who have not been granted such attention question why they are old, alone and most likely, virgins.

Who among us has not at least admired such displays of wanton behavior from afar? Who can honestly say that the rather passionate activities of beautiful women can possibly be a bad thing? A look at many popular songs through the ages, will readily show that the virtues of such vice are extolled. Green Sleeves is the oldest piece of music with musical notation and it is about a camp follower (Kind of a soldiers” groupie). “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before”, anyone? Lechery isn’t so bad but is only made possible through the efforts of those who make scratching that particular itch an avocation.

Perhaps, some folks should take a look at themselves and wonder why they”re not getting any of the love that the rest of us happy people are, instead of judging those who might gladly help them with their problematic libidos. Gentlemen, why don”t you get away from the computer screen, stop gumming up the keyboard and go out there and touch someone who isn”t inflatable! Oh and ladies, if you”re worried that your special someone has succumbed to someone”s charms, then ask yourself what it is you”re not doing and do it!

So, to all the girls I”ve loved before, who’ve traveled in and out my door, I”m glad you came along!

Pizza Drivers Lobby for Delivery Decency Act

pizza152x124WASHINGTON DC — The nations bright eyed, bushy tailed delivery youth have seen their fair share of shock and awe to put an Iraqi veteran to shame; and they’ve finally had enough. In a bold move, the nations delivery drivers have sought support from the teamster and truck driver unions for a shred of decency. With pizza delivery drivers leading the way, drivers have seen their fair share of traumatic nudity including, fat men in thongs, fat women in thongs, breasts that sag below belly buttons, talking leather bags, leather queens, feather scenes, inter-species erotica and all of the above in a gimp mask. Employers have chosen to take a neutral stance on the subject citing the high amount of turn over and missed time due to post traumatic stress disorder, therapy, irrational fears of approaching closed doors and severe sexual dysfunction. While the group seeks to make it at least a misdemeanor to reveal yourself to a delivery driver not suited to community standards, lobbyist lawyers warn, seeking stiffer punishments, such as felonies, based on weight and age may find roadblocks with anti-discrimination groups. In rallies conducted nationwide, drivers and teamsters chanted their cause citing, “No Shirt, No Pants, No Way, No Service!”.

Phoenix Suffers Internet Porn Withdrawal

PHOENIX,AZ – An internet outage caused widespread panic with those looking to satiate their libidos. It’s no secret that the majority of internet traffic is used to both satiate unfulfilled desires and quote “tear off a quick one”. Some bus drivers walked off the job part way through their route claiming his patrons were “…squirming in their seats, some blowing me kisses, and creeping me out, I had enough, I draw the line there”. Police calls for domestic violence rose along with a perceived testosterone level. The Chief of Police instituted a temporary colored orb threat level with white being all clear, and blue being the greatest. Reports of animal cruelty were widespread as supermarkets ran out of cucumbers, zucchini, melons and fresh whole fish. One teen checked into a hospital emergency claiming ” ,I was told my nuts would explode if I didn’t take care of it…”. Unfortunately hand jobs were not covered on his insurance plan. Small random fires were serviced before they became a hazard with fire crews spending far more time in door to door victim searches than responding to emergencies. The Chief of Police was busy preparing a contingency plan to bring in the National Guard with a flock of sheep when some internet connectivity was restored. While most emergency rooms are filled to capacity citywide, most people are being dismissed with a prescription for a laxative and some KY jelly after x-rays revealed strange objects lodged in their orifices. City clean up crews will be outfitted with special squeegees in order to better service soiled surfaces. We will continue to follow this story as events unfold.


Without Strife, No One Would Strive!— Her Most Bountifulness ERIS

Are you tired of struggling? Do the trials of life weigh you down? Bummer…

If you’re still struggling, it means you’re probably still playing the game. At any time (Possibly/Hopefully as you read this) you might get pulled off the Playground for a time-out! Sure things are tough all over. Why shouldn’t they be? Then again, why should they be?

So what’s got your panties in a wad that makes things no fun? Do you think it’s money, poly-tricks, some kind of illusory attachment to your “significant other“? Check it out kids: The only thing that”s bothering you, is YOU! Don’t ask me, it’s not my problem…

Consider the athlete who doesn’t do his/her thing. Soon enough, it’s no longer their thing and I suppose that makes for them not being that thing that they considered themselves (and probably a bit flabbier). A wanker who doesn’t wank is kind of sad, huh? Get it?


Stop taking your “troubles” as a reason to make yourself unhappy and just keep on keeping on. Or, at least don’t play with me. I’ve got some striving to do in the sandbox. Mom could be calling me any time and I’m having fun, even when it doesn’t SEEM like it (Sand in my nether spaces but I can’t worry about that now because worrying sucks). Granted, maybe you are too. So, yeah… This is meaningless and true and perhaps a bit false and meaningless but (un)certainly true and false with a smidge of meaninglessness.